OK, you know we love our country. We also appreciate the freedom of expression we get to enjoy (you know, speaking, writing, thinking out loud, showing our bunions in public, etc.). So, it only seems natural that a cadre of curmudgeons such as ourselves would take the occasional opportunity to flex those expressive muscles in ways that bemoan the things that an almost but not quite perfect society such as ours has worth bemoaning. (That was a hell of a sentence.)
Here are some nasties that we almost feel bad writing about. Almost.
Metricafy us!
There are only three countries on the planet that use the ass-backwards customary units system (you know, inches, pounds, quarts, and stuff). They are: Liberia (an African country that was created with misguided de-colonialization efforts by the United States back in the 1800s and that is considered one of the most corrupt places on Earth (89% of the public has to pay a bribe for services, according to the Global Corruption Barameter)), Myanmar (a bizarre country-ish thing next to Thailand that is run by a pseudo-democracy that is really a draconian military junta), and … holy hell on wheels! The United Freakin’ States of America!
We remember a push in the 1970s to have the U.S. join the rest of the world in adopting the International System of Units (otherwise known as the metric system). There was a lot of bitching by our fellow citizens about how confusing the whole thing was. Yeah, ‘cuz counting things in even quantities was more difficult than an array of numbers that had very little correlation with each other (there are 16 parts in an inch; there are 12 inches in a foot; there are three feet in a yard; there are 5280 feet in a mile (or 1760 yards or 63,360 inches)).
How do you say “bushel of peanuts” in Metric?
What many of you may not know is that the metric system failed because of former President Jimmy Carter. Somehow, the whole thing was tied to his failing presidency so, “If Jimmy Carter likes it, well, hell, I don’t!” We can also blame the French (well actually, the hubris of the whole America vs. France thing). France was the first to adopt the metric system and we all know how Americans hate to be behind anything when the French are involved. So, we’re stuck with an archaic measuring system.
Wow. Sobering isn’t it?
Patriotism ain’t patriotism unless you use the word ain’t
Somewhere in the last 30 years, hillbillies took over America. We don’t rightly know how that done happened, but it sure as shit has done happened. At one point, being called a redneck was an insult. Now it’s a patch of pride burned into the skin of our pasty folk that likes trucks and guns and Walmart and such.
Let’s get some things straight. We don’t dislike that faction of the American public. In fact, redneckery is an important compliment to our demographic landscape. We can’t imagine an America made up of nothing but Snowbirds, Chinese research scientists, old-school unionists, ravers, and LGBTs (sure, why not; if we’re insulting people today, let’s give it up for anyone we can think of). Without rednecks we wouldn’t a military, the construction trades that build America, and music that tells stories about people that have genuine love for country and family.
The problem we have with the Redneck Nation is that somehow logic became irrelevant in America. That’s disappointing. We like logic. It helps things make sense. And things that make sense tend to lead to things that make other things work correctly like a balanced economy, community compromise for the better good, and advancements in science that lead to improved standards of living. We don’t understand why logic is such an enemy to the part of our population that self-identifies as God-fearing American patriots. We kind of thought the country was founded on rational, educated, forward thinking-men that created an exceptional foundation for a country that has grown to be extraordinary. (This isn’t the time and place to start the whole merits or flaws of the Founding Fathers thing — we can do that at another time. Besides, in all, we are in awe of what happened in the late 1700s in spite of horrible human rights violations like slavery and anti-suffragism because it laid the foundation for so many good things to happen as time progressed).
We’re not going to pretend that our particular brand of patriotism is the end all be all, but we will say this. Our patriotism has just as much validity as any other. We love the hell out of our country and aren’t ashamed to admit it. The United States is a damn fine place to call home and we are honored to be citizens of it. The reasons to love America are staggering in number.
So, it does us no small amount of indignity when we are force-fed the brand of repressive patriotism that ended up married heterosexually to Redneck America. We would typically say live and let live (i.e., we don’t have to embrace what you believe in because, well, who cares?). But when another American drops the heavy hammer of his or her particular brand of patriotism on tannish-gay necks, for example, we cry foul. (Yes, we know the Liberal Left does the same thing in the opposite direction but we’re not talking about them right now). So, we choose to mock you, Redneck America. It only seems appropriate.
If anybody starts whining about this one, stop and think about how many times you’ve said derogatory things about our President. Yeah, that’s right. Suck it up, buttercup.
Obesity in America
This one will be short. There are food addicts in all countries. The difference is we have enough food to feed those addictions.. More than enough. And since we’re taking on the Honey Boo Boo Freakshow, we’ll throw in a jab about the irrelevance of education in America.
OK, to be fair, we have never seen an episode of this show. In fact, we only just learned about it earlier this year. But, from what little exposure we’ve had to it, we believe it is safe to say the Apocalypse is nigh.
Damn!
Where the hell did all this vitriol come from today? Here’s one last insult for the road. Keep in mind that all we did below was make a parody of an online image. We didn’t actually turn the flag into a jacket and wear it like Lee Greenwood did above.
We will burn in The American God’s hell for this. That’s OK so long as it’s the warm kind of hell, not the cold outer darkness hell.
And that, as they say, is that.
At a Comic-Con a few years ago, we meandered around the artist area and stumbled on Peter Kuper‘s shingle. If you don’t know him, Peter is one of the primary artists that illustrates Spy vs. Spy for Mad Magazine. He’s also a contributor to various news magazines like Time, Newsweek, and Businessweek, and he has illustrated for newspapers like The New York Times. Peter’s non-comic artwork is typically cerebral in nature so it was interesting to leaf through his original art and prints. He has a unique style that combines spray paint and stencils. Recently, however, he decided it wasn’t such a good idea to use aerosol paint since some of his subject matter involves environmental responsibility. So, we assume he must be using discarded Denny’s crayons. That’s what we would do.
We found a piece of unpublished art titled “Population Explosion” that reminded us of that period in Thailand years ago and decided it was still a good representation of our anxieties and political bent. So, we bought it. Here it is for your viewing pleasure.
Sooooo, anyway. We’re tired of writing and editing images all the time. We’ve had guest contributors before and we think it’s about time to solicit more. If any of you have any interest in providing content for a post, let us know by dropping a comment below. We don’t even care what it’s about so long as it isn’t completely immoral or useless.
We rarely watch TV. We never watch the local fire and police report (you know, that thing that most people call “local news”). But one evening recently, we had no particular place to go and our laptops were sitting inconveniently several feet away from our lazy arms so we grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels. What a load of shite. As we made the rounds a second time (as if we expected something new to pop up and peak our interest, duh), we paused on Fox News. Some dolled up chick was ranting about this or that with some sycophantic intervieweree chiming in with a useless comment here and there. We don’t know what the subject was but we noted that the woman was rather fetching so we stuck around for a few seconds longer to enjoy her visage. The joy didn’t last long. The “news” topic was about some inane celebrity and his antics. Really? At this time? When the North Koreans are rattling their sabers. When the Syrians are destabilizing the Middle East? When the President is pushing job up-skilling and gun control? When the issue of freedom to marry was creating long term implications? And, here we were in prime time, hearing some hottie arguing whether George Clooney wipes with the left or right hand. God bless America.
And, by popular demand, here’s the unedited shot of Elizabeth Prann with her shirt unbuttoned. We’ve found that the more a woman’s breast is exposed, the more credible she is when talking about political and economic subject matter. That is why we never believe anything that is said on PBS NewsHour.
The Cardinals smoked out a new pope today to replace the ailing Pope Benedict (Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger). The newly crowned pontiff hails from Argentina, land of beef, tango, and former German officer whisked away by high-ranking Catholic officials (many of whom reported to Ratzinger) in the early days after World War II.
The only downsides to this plan that we can think of are (a) pigeons would die by truckload (which may not be a bad thing if one considers that there are so many of the birds that they could feed the homeless and office workers that like street vendor food, thereby also reducing reliance on resource consuming transport of foods from outside the cities), and (b) Spider-man would have to be much more careful.
And to finish you off, noon comes from the Latin phrase (of course) “ nona hora” which means ninth hour. The day officially began at 6:00 a.m. in classical Rome since it coincided with sun-up (roughly) and going-to-work time. So, noon would have been 3 p.m. in the afternoon … or mid-day since clock time was counted in three hour intervals in Rome and the ninth hour was the fourth bell. The Roman 12-hour cycle then started over again with the next four bells representing the second half of the day (so, the bells went 6:00 a. m., 9 a.m., 12 p.m., 3 P.M., then 6:00 p.m., 9:00 p.m., 12:00 a.m., 3 a.m. and then back to the beginning of the Roman day). All this is roughly-speaking time, but you get the idea. Anyway, the Church messed around with the starts and stops of a day, and the definition of mid-day. Eventually noon became 12 p.m. due to prayer schedules being set back from the ninth hour to the sixth hour, which was 12:00 p.m. on the Roman schedue and coincided with the time of day when the Sun reaches its meridian (or peak). Not sure why that was necessary, but it probably had to do with the time of day the Pope typically had his bowel movements. So, yet again, religion screws us up. Amen.
. We’re trying to keep our blog in the PG-13 area, so we can’t express words in a manner we would prefer, but bluntly put, if you support, participate in, or sympathize with dog fighting and dog baiting, get the 
off our blog.
This is an example of what a dog looks like after a fight. This one actually survived. There is a great likelihood he or she will be put down because the physical and emotional damage are too severe. We were going to link out rather than actually show a picture of this on our blog, but outrage prevailed. If you’re at our blog for “the funny,” please stick around and cruise our pages, but we wanted to use any forum at our disposal to add our voice to the call for real action against dog fighting.
comicsagogo.com
