We don’t want to admit it “butt” our post on the Biggest Boobs in Comics is still barreling ahead as the #1 post on our site (with the post on Power Girl‘s boobs catching up from behind). So, since we’ve already sold out, we might as well booty bounce south and enjoy the view from behind (“bare” with us, though, it doesn’t look “ass” bad as it sounds). Clearly there are a lot of folks looking for large breasts in the popular illustrated arts, but we don’t want to neglect those that come seeking ample buttocks as well. Skinny asses, plump asses, bad asses, and kick asses. You want asses? We got ‘em!
Buuuuut, as with our Boobs post, you will most likely be dismayed as you browse this post. Yes, we’ll throw you some gratuitous pictures, but for the most part, we’re just manipulating search indexes to get higher rankings. Since the Internet really is mostly for porn, we’ve found that the best way to increase visibility is to play along. OK, having said that, we should clarify that the best way to increase visibility, if one is lazy like us, is to pander to the banal (heh). Anyway, if you’re too horny and depraved to stay, sorry to see you go (not really). Otherwise, pull your pants back up, sit back and enjoy the #1 most snarky blog about mostly comics, music, movies, politics, and apparently things that might sound pornographic but aren’t.
Big Ass! It’s important to pepper our post with the “ass” word so Google and Bing think they can figure out what this post is all about. Of course, we may be hurting ourselves by referencing search engines and their methods … hmmm. This could backfire on us….
Anyway, it may seem like we have Tourettes what with all of the references to butts, but we are actually in control. Incidentally, we’re going to define “big ass” here as someone that has had the effect of causing bad stuff directly or indirectly through their behaviors. We’re not going to focus on “big dicks.” Big dicks are different because they are flat out jerks. As for the folks on this list, we have no idea what they are like on a personal level. We’re just addressing their public personas and their comics-related work. And of course, as always, most of this is tongue in cheek; so, Rob, consider that when you sic[sic] your lawyers on us. Besides, until we get some serious traffic and turn on the advertising, we have no money. So, anyway, on with our Big Asses in Comic Book Gimmick!
Why he is a big ass: Have you heard him talk at a Comic-Con panel? We’re not sure why he tries so hard to be edgy and devil-may-care-ish. He has enough street cred that he doesn’t have to do it. And, you know we love the F-Word — its versatility makes it exactly the right word for a variety of contexts. But there is a threshold that changes a dialogue from edgy and passionate to unnecessary and annoying. Kevin can be very annoying and given his recent trend in movie making, he may be making himself unnecessary as well (ouch). Time for a makeover and a career overhaul, Kevin. Or, just stay the way you are but switch to show tunes.
Why he is a big ass: Well, along with the next dude on the list and a team of evil flying monkeys, he virtually destroyed the ground-breaking improvements in story-telling, character development, and artwork that had transpired the decade before. His work is bloated and indulgent. It is also lazy (and given how lazy we are, that sort of criticism is a a big punch in the nads). We do feel bad that we’ve picked on him so much. Seriously. Unlike the Kims of North Korea or al-Assads of Syria, Rob doesn’t torture people physically (although perhaps psychologically). So that’s why he’s an ass instead of a shit. And, Rob draws asses and tits too. Lots of them. But most are not images of women, at least from what we’ve observed.
Why he is a big ass: OK, for much of our comic book hobbying experience, we’ve viewed Frank Miller as a bombastic and arrogant but brilliant creator. But there’s a difference between arrogant and downright mean (you know, kind of like what we’re doing in this post). His rants on the “Occupy Wall Street” movement show how out of touch he is with the American democratic experiment. He is certainly entitled to his opinions, misguided though they are, but referring to the Occupy-tionalists, as “a pack of louts, thieves, and rapists” is out of order. We know every last one of the Occupy Wall Street activists and not one of them is a lout. And that isn’t the worst of Frank’s invectives. Incidentally, Ty Templeton had some pretty sweet retorts (which would have had more punch if he hadn’t been Canadian, damn his eyes). Ty is super-talented, but after taking on Misanthropic Miller, he went up a couple more notches on our flag pole. By the way, the link takes you to a post where Ty uses the word “ass.” Booyah!
We do need to give Frank some props though. In general, we think his storytelling is interesting and his art is innovative. And, he does occasionally draw dames’ assess.
Why he is a big ass: Good ol’ R. draws girls with big asses. But he’s also a Grade A Prime Ass himself. His comics are misogynistic. And yet, he’s still a darling of the feminist and lesbian community. Go figure. Gloria Steinem had an affair with him in the early 1980s and Ellen Degeneres stated that if she were straight, R. Crumb would be her man. And apparently he has James Woods-like wood. Seriously, go look it up. But this isn’t a post about dicks. That’s coming at some later date. Maybe in conjunction with The Biggest Pussies in Comics. Oh, do go on now! It’s not what you think, though. We’ll be focusing on Fritz the Cat. Who, hold on a second now …
Why he is a big ass: Todd was the comic book industry’s first millionaire playboy. And how did he spend his money? He bought the 70th home run ball from also-an-ass Mark McGwire’s record chasing (and breaking … bad) season back in 1998. That, instead of getting storytelling help from Peter David. That, instead of a mass apology to the entire comic book industry for single-handedly destroying Mary Jane Watson (OK, OK, double-handedly because David Micheline deserves to be derided as well).
Anyway, of all the reasons Todd McFarlane is an ass, this is the biggest one of all.
And there you have it. The biggest asses in comic books. What now? Whatcha sayin’? We forgot the biggest ass of them all? OK, fair’s fair. We proudly accept your derision. Your disdain sustains us.