So, what we suspected is true. The Internet really is mostly for porn. How do we know? Because our statistics show that the most popular post by far that we’ve written is this one: Captain Marvel’s Detachable Penis. Now, it’s not what you think. The post is about an obscure 1960s version of the Captain Marvel character which we highlighted in one of our gimmicks: Toon’s Fave Tunes. It’s a fun little exercise in which we select a comic book character and match him/her/it up to a song we purport to be his/her/its favorite. Captain Marvel’s bizarre ability to split off body parts so they could act independently from the rest of himself reminded us of the somewhat minor hit song by the band King Missile called “Detachable Penis.” It’s an innocuous tongue-in-cheek ditty about a guy with a removable member. He treats it like some sort of trinket such as he would his keys or cell phone. The chuckle-worthy premise is delivered dryly and … why the hell are we telling you about it – just go listen to it yourself: King Missile.
Update 1/14/2012: We were right. This post recently became the #1 most accessed on this website. We just crossed the 300 post mark and this post bumped our Chris Ware picture out of the top slot and statistically is growing the fastest. Seriously, nothing else we say is more important than boobs? Wow.
Fine. When you’re done reading this clever post, click on the picture of Belle Chere below and it will take you to mountains and mountains of Power Girl boobs. Still no nudity. So sorry. But if Power Girl’s barely covered boobs is what you are looking for, enjoy yourself. We’ll be doing a post shortly about the biggest asses in comic books. Don’t get your hopes up, though. Unless you like the derrieres of Frank Miller and Kevin Smith.
Anyway, we went to write our next post and were stunned to see the hits for the Detachable Penis post. We’re not talking 10-15% more. In fact, we’re not even talking double in most cases. The post ended up with about four times as many page views as our average and about twice as many as our next closest post.
So what have we learned? Well, although we abhor pornography, we aren’t above manipulating those that are looking for it. Thus this post. The title alone is sure to catch some attention. The fact that we’re going to pepper our post with words like “boobs” or “tits” or “melons” or “fun bags” (sorry ladies, bear with us), should give the search engines something fun to crawl.
The products of our hobby are full of scantily clad characters in outrageously impractical and unnecessarily gratuitous outfits. But, we understand why. Most forms of pop culture entertainment are exploitative to a degree, particularly when it comes to the female form, because there is an insatiable demand for titillation (and that, friends, is a word which kind of gives a credit point since it contains the phrase “tit”). The fact that the characters are drawings gives the creators tremendous latitude. For example, they are free to amplify the size of a character’s boobs (see? that’s the third time we’ve used that word; c’moooooon Google!). The tits on the ladies of the comic book universes are usually of massively disproportional size. In real life, the boobs would probably topple the character. Their melons wouldn’t really be fun bags at all (bam! two in one sentence).
So, what’s a girl to do? Why, wear about 10 ounces of spandex that barely contain her hooters (we’d forgotten that word, but after searching “slang for breasts” Wiki Answers gave us a whole list of synonyms). Fan boys rejoice!
Well, we’re about done with writing about comic book characters’ boobs, so we’ll show pictures of them instead. If you’ve gotten this far, you’ll see this post is essentially safe for work in that you’re not going to see any porn here, but your boss may be confused and concerned about your particular fetish for boobs, tits, melons, and fun bags. Sorry to disappoint you AND get you into trouble all in one go.
First up: a silent movie from 1926 called “The Boob.” A “boob” in old-timey parlance is essentially an idiot. Back in the day words like “gay” or “pussy” meant something different than today. And expressions like “you suck” or “what a dork” have become colloquial expressions that are no longer as offensive as they once were. “Dork” for example is something your naive girlfriend may say when referring to your goofy younger brother. She is probably not aware that she is classifying him as a “penis” (hey, we got to use that word for a second time in this post!), or at least she’ll plead innocence. Incidentally, a kid from the UK got all upset with us back in elementary school because we said the word “bloody.” Now, watch the movie Kick Ass and you’ll hear a child use the “C” word. We like a good ol’ string of obscenities but that one singed our ear hairs. Anyway, enough with the etymology and stuff!
“The Boob” stars George K. Arthur (who did a bunch of films in the silent era and early talkies), Gertrude Olmstead (who also did a bunch of silent movies in the 1920s), and a very young Joan Crawford in one of her earliest films. Joan went on to a successful career and we’re guessing it may have been partially due to her boobs (although we’re just speculating; nonetheless, we got to use “boobs” again). She was also nuts (we have to wonder if “nuts” will also get us a boost from the search engines) and a movie called Mommy Dearest didn’t paint a very flattering picture of her and her mental illness. Anyway, this isn’t about Joan. Hey, want to know something funny? Guess what George Arthur’s birthname was? Arthur George Brest! Isn’t that just a bit of too much fun (bags)?
Next up: pictures of a pair of Great Tits. (Seriously, that’s what they’re called; go ask the quirky birder at the end of your street).
Here we go! A wonderful shot of huge melons. They’re succulent, we’re sure!
And here are some items that we can’t vouch for since we can’t see inside. But we’re pretty sure that there’s a good chance comic book women’s fun bags out there somewhere. OK, that was just a weak usage of the term “fun bags.” We’re feeling that good ol’ Comics A-Go-Go! laziness creep in. Almost nap time.
And just so you don’t click away completely dismayed, here are a couple of pictures of Power Girl‘s boobs. We don’t read Superman related comics so we don’t know much about her except that her costume is one of the most ridiculous in all of comicbookdom. And that’s saying a lot because there are mountains of boobs competing for space on the drawn page.
Cracked takes it a step further and includes some pokes at men’s costumes as well. Take a peak at their boobs (idiots, not tits).
By the way, Avenue Q, some sort of Off Broadway coming of age play or something, had this to say about the purpose the Internet serves. As Homer Simpson says: “It’s funny because it’s true!” This video is actually a very clever mashup of Disney animated film clips with the Avenue Q song “The Internet is for Porn.” We will never be able to watch Hercules again without hearing this song (come to think of it, we probably wouldn’t watch Hercules again anyway).
If you want to know more about and see more of Avenue Q, go to their Youtube channel: Avenue Q.
And there you have it. Our little moment of manipulation is over. Let the page views roll in!