Funny Search Terms this Week

Every once in a while, I take a look at what people are searching for that brings them to my blog. No, I don’t know who you are. I just know what you’re looking for.

Not surprisingly, Syria has been top-of-mind for a lot of people so several search terms relate to the al-Assads. Since I’ve written and posted images about Bashar and Asma several times, I’ve gotten a lot of traffic. Some of my stuff is about how sexy Asma is and how much Bashar looks like Beaker the Muppet. So, I had dozens of terms relating to Asma such as “asma al-assad” followed by … bikini, ass, boobs, naked, swimsuit, etc. As for Bashar, I had terms such as “Bashar al Assad” followed by … muppet, beaker, etc.”

Of course, the search engines point people to my site because I do have Asma al-Assad pictures, although I don’t have any nudes. Apparently, lots of other people think Bashar looks like Beaker. Another cateogy that’s always strong relates to a tongue-in-cheek post I did about the preponderance of attractive women that are employed by Fox News. Elizabeth Prann seems to be the most popular and a lot of people apparently like her breasts.  Kim Guilfoyle is also popular apparently because she was a Victoria’s Secret model.

These were my two favorite terms for the week: “hiccup f***ing astrix [sic] images raiders of berk” and “where is bashar al assad hiding.” I have no idea what the first one means and I have no idea how to answer the second one.

Funny Search Terms

Bashar al-Assad Bestseller

We haven’t poked Bashar in the ribs for a while. It’s way past time. Here’s a little something, something we threw together today. This is a book detailing the many, many wonderful things Bashar has done for his country and its people. There is no leader more empathetic and tender towards his subjects. What a wonderful man.

Front cover of Bashar al-Assad book
Bashar al-Assad Satire

Bashar al-Assad Satire

Bashar al-Assad is The Dude!

Syria’s a clustermuck and Bashar’s still in power. According to a U.N. report two months ago, over 70,000 people have been killed due to the ongoing conflict. 70,000! And there’s no end in sight. Keep in mind that this is a combined total on both sides, proving that the Syrian government is more than willing to sacrifice thousands of its own people to continue vomiting forward an indulgent, corrupt, and anti-democratic regime.

As for this post, we wrote this piece some time ago and parked it in Drafts thinking that it was too salacious for our average consumer. We also made some knee-jerk assumptions that Bashar was a womanizing cheater and while we’ve never been above irresponsible blogging, we just felt we needed more convincing evidence so we could write a real zinger. So we waited. But now we don’t give a damn. Here’s our story.

In March 2012, hackers broke into Bashar al-Assad’s email. They got a variety of stuff, mostly inane banter that seemed to ignore the mayhem around him. Ah, la vida luja, right? Mixed in with the jibber-jabber were several email that were  inappropriately flirtatious.  The most prominent series was from a misguided pro-government Syrian siren named Hadeel al-Ali. Her flirtatious missives included references to Bashar as “The Dude” and little snips like “So cute!” Bleh.  To make things even more scintillating, in that mess of emails was a photo of a mostly naked woman who some have speculated may be Hadeel.  Regardless, the lass has a nice ass and we somewhat regret covering it up, but hey … the kids are watching.

Hadeel al-Ali sexy pose, semi-nude

As we’ve stated before, political power is to women what alcohol is to men. The opposite sex looks a hell of a lot better after consuming them. Anyway, we’re not going to bother with the full write-up. You can go visit the Guardian and CNN for more details (go to the bottom of the post). We just have to wonder if Bashar pulled a Kobe after all this went public and gave Asma at $1,000,000 gift card to Harrods. Bling, bling!

Bashar al-Assad apology ring

Wow. This is the best Bashar could muster? Check out the rock on Vanessa Bryant’s apology ring below. $4 million dollars. 8 carats. Damn.

Kobe and Vanessa Bryant at the press conference talking about the rape

$4 million, 8 carat ring to Vanessa from Kobe Bryant

The al-Assads are wearing on our patience!

[This post was created back in September but never got published for some reason. We blame our Syrian intern, Sargon. The little weirdo used to go up and down the office hallway shouting “Death to to Bashar!” but after finding a bizarre series of files on crop circles in his cabinet, we wonder if he is actually pissed off at the alien by the same name. If we had to guess, we’d say that Sargon doesn’t much care for Bashar’s interpretation of the meaning behind crop circles. We can’t ask him because he has since returned to Syria. Soooo, distracted little bastard or double agent? Not sure. But here it is.]

Summer ends September 21, 2012. That means in less than two weeks, if the Smut King and Slut Queen (ok, we don’t know that for sure, but we’re going with it) aren’t gone, they’ve made us out to be liars. We predicted all of the way back in January that Bashar al-Assad and his consort Asma would be vacating their palaces in Syria. We figured they were headed for welcoming arms in Russia or Iran. Probably not Iran though. Asma doesn’t look good in black, and with a killer body and face like hers, who wants to cover them up?

al-Assad family

Breaking news! Asma and Bashar al-Assad are expecting their fourth child.

Well, technically we said “most likely sometime this summer.” Still, we were far too optimistic we suppose. What’s it going to take? 50,000 dead? 100,000 dead? As the body count rises, the al-Assads are less likely to get asylum. They’re turning into political poison.* Eventually, even North Korea might not allow the  Syrian mongrels across their borders.

* Since we’re just publishing today (December 30, 2012), the latest news out of Russia is that there is a growing pessimism that the Syrian crisis can be solved easily and to the benefit of either country. The Arab League sent their envoy, Lakhdar Brahimi, to Moscow to muster support for more outside intervention.  Brahimi waxed theatrical in stating: “If the only alternative is really hell or a political process, then all of us must work ceaselessly for a political process. It is difficult, it is very complicated but there is no other choice.” Well, he’s right, we suppose. Although, most Syrians probably think they’re already in hell.

But mummy, I want to go home.Ooooh! Wouldn't that be nice, luv. But no, we can't. Your idiot father doesn't know how to run a very good tyrannical dictatorship. Oh, mother was right! I should have been happy as Sarkozy's mistress and left well enough alone!

But mummy, I want to go home.
Ooooh! Wouldn’t that be nice, luv. But no, we can’t. Your idiot father doesn’t know how to run a successful oppressive dictatorship. Oh, mother was right! I should have been happy as Sarkozy’s mistress and stayed in Europe!

So, be gone, already! Get the whole oppressive regime thing over with so Syria can move on to regressive tribal conflict, terrorist breeding, and chaos. Cynics are we? Yes indeedy. Still, go away, al-Assads.

Asma al-Assad

Mama Asma gonna kick your assa!

Rolling back full circle, we were curious to see if Bashar the extraterrestrial had anything to say on the whole thing with Bashar al-Assad. Apparently, he didn’t say much, but we think we catch his drift.

Bashar al-Assad, Bashar the Extraterrestrial

Bashar. Suck it.

Is Comics A-Go-Go! a no show?

August has sucked. OK, it’s just us that suck, actually.  Only three posts thus far. Three! That matches the number of readers we have.  OK, not really, but that’s all we’ll have if we keep this pace up (or down). So, what’s new with us? Why, a lot, in fact. Here’s what’s happened since the infamous Blueberry post of August 10, 2012:

Bikini model

Asma al-Assad hasn’t let the whole genocide thing slow down her modeling career. Here she is in a recent bikini shoot. Note the photo wasn’t shot on a beach. It’s hard to be a sexy swimsuit model when you’re hiding in a reinforced concrete bunker.

Summer hasn’t ended yet, so our prediction that Batshit al-Assad would relinquish the throne by the end of the summer is still a hopeful prophecy.  Bashar and Asma, don’t let us down! We have a lot of money riding on this (not really, but let’s pretend) and, oh yeah, the Syrian people kind of need to stop getting oppressed and slaughtered. You’re just forestalling the inevitable anyway.

Dick CheneyThe momentary good news for the revolution, was that the regime’s vice president, Farouk al-Cheney had defected to Jordan. But in a news interview today on Al-Jazeera, Mr. al-Cheney scoffed at such rumors. “Bah! Grr! Mumble, mumble, fttt-fttt,” said the still-instated VP. Meanwhile, the revolutionaries did confirm that Farouk Al-Sharaa, Mr. al-Cheney’s body double had defected to Oman. “Hey, at this point, we’ll take what we can get,” said spokeperson Ben al-Jeri pointing out that Mr. Farouk Al-Sharaa had been Syria’s only real threat in the International Beatbox Yo-Yo Revolution competition. “This takes Syria’s pop culture down quite a peg,” continued Mr. al-Jeri. “Expect the al-Assad regime to get laughed out of the competition this year if they send Prime Minister Wael Nader al-Halqi instead. He’s an idiot.”

Bashar al-Assad

No one ever doubted Bashar was a devotee … a devotee to Just Dance, that is.

Next in the news: the Prince of Portliness, Kim Jong-un, apparently got married or something. OK, the news broke in July, but we didn’t get around to absorbing the issue ‘cuz the Comic-Con was still swimming around our rattled noggins. Anyway, good for him. It reinforces the point that money and/or power and/or threats of disembowelment can get a woman to marry an handsomeness-impaired weirdo.

Kim Jong-un and Ri Sol Ju

Speaking of weird, what is it with the Kims and their hair?  We couldn’t imagine a sillier “do” than the bouffant that Dandy Andy Kim Jong-il sported, but Kim Jong-un’s floppy, down-the-middle, Li’l Tyke hair style deserves a resounding round of guffaws from his fellow countrymen, but we suspect that won’t happen, what with the whole Cult of Personality (and the threat of torture) thing going on. Grandaddy had some goofy hair too, by the way. It’s all part of the madness that runs in that family’s genetic disposition. And speaking of the personality cult phenomenon, check out the crazies bawling in the picture below with Kim il-Sung. Seriously, you know you have major brainwashing going on when being in the presence of the nutty leader/oppressor of your country overwhelms your emotions. “Big Daddy makes the ladies all wet,” Mr. Kim used to say. “And sometimes the fairies too!” he would add. Hey, his words, not ours.

Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un

Here’s Great Leader, Kim Il-sung showing what happens when you go from Marxist revolutionary to self-indulgent hypocrite. Go back to your roots, man. Keep the faith. Let your people eat something for a change.

Great Leader of Korea

SDCC 2013We got into the 2013 Comic-Con! Huzzah! Miracle of Miracles. Since we made it into two days of the Con this year, that qualified us for early round purchases for next year. We were hoping for a 4-day+preview-night deal, so when the message came across the waiting room page that those were sold out, we assumed that there might be a few single day badges still available. Probably Thursday and Sunday again (grrr), but when we got to the head of line, we found out that single day passes for all 4 days were available. Good enough. So, apparently the infamous Comics A-Go-Go! streak of bad luck has ended. Either that or the gods are conspiring to give us greater disappointment at a later date like, oh let’s see, how about we develop gangrene or the world gets consumed by a wormhole. Actually, that last one would be cool if we ended up in another galaxy far, far away where spacecraft actually made real noises in the vacuum of space. No? Too obscure?

$50,000 PyramidYet another landmark from the land of Comics A-Go-Go! We’ve always been fools for nice round numbers. They make adding and subtracting so much easier. Having said that, too many zeroes in a number scare us. Anyway, sometime at the beginning of the month we hit 50,000 page views. 48,525 were for the post linked to the Tony Hayward picture below.

Oil Spill

OK, not really. Actually no single post really stands out but the one linked to the Joker picture below has been the leader in the last month. As The Dark Knight Rises movie eventually winds down, this post will lose steam too. By then, we’ll do some sort of post on actual comics rather than this drivel so stick with us, sunshine.

Batman: The Dark Knight