Biggest Asses in Comic Books – You assed for it you got it

Big Ass

We don’t want to admit it “butt” our post on the Biggest Boobs in Comics is still barreling ahead as the #1 post on our site (with the post on Power Girl‘s boobs catching up from behind). So, since we’ve already sold out, we might as well booty bounce south and enjoy the view from behind (“bare” with us, though, it doesn’t look “ass” bad as it sounds). Clearly there are a lot of folks looking for large breasts in the popular illustrated arts, but we don’t want to neglect those that  come seeking ample buttocks as well. Skinny asses, plump asses, bad asses, and kick asses. You want asses? We got ’em!

Tin Woodsman and Bender

If you typed “shiny metal ass” into a browser search and it brought you here, don’t blame us. We’re not responsible for Google.

Daniel Clowes Pussy

“I came for the updates on the Syrian conflict and stayed for the donuts.”

Buuuuut, as with our Boobs post, you will most likely be dismayed as you browse this post. Yes, we’ll throw you some gratuitous pictures, but for the most part, we’re just manipulating search indexes to get higher rankings. Since the Internet really is mostly for porn, we’ve found that the best way to increase visibility is to play along. OK, having said that, we should clarify that the best way to increase visibility, if one is lazy like us, is to pander to the banal (heh). Anyway, if you’re too horny and depraved to stay, sorry to see you go (not really). Otherwise, pull your pants back up, sit back and enjoy the #1 most snarky blog about mostly comics, music, movies, politics, and apparently things that might sound pornographic but aren’t.

Big Ass! It’s important to pepper our post with the “ass” word so Google and Bing think they can figure out what this post is all about. Of course, we may be hurting ourselves by referencing search engines and their methods … hmmm. This could backfire on us….

Anyway, it may seem like we have Tourettes what with all of the references to butts, but we are actually in control. Incidentally, we’re going to define “big ass” here as someone that has  had the effect of causing bad stuff directly or indirectly through their behaviors. We’re not going to focus on “big dicks.” Big dicks are different because they are flat out jerks. As for the folks on this list, we have no idea what they are like on a personal level. We’re just addressing their public personas and their comics-related work. And of course, as always, most of this is tongue in cheek; so, Rob, consider that when you sic[sic] your lawyers on us. Besides, until we get some serious traffic and turn on the advertising, we have no money. So, anyway, on with our Big Asses in Comic Book Gimmick!

Kevin Smith

Kevin Smith in a trenchcoatWhy he is a big ass: Have you heard him talk at a Comic-Con panel? We’re not sure why he tries so hard to be edgy and devil-may-care-ish. He has enough street cred that he doesn’t have to do it. And, you know we love the F-Word — its versatility makes it exactly the right word for a variety of contexts. But there is a threshold that changes a dialogue from edgy and passionate to unnecessary and annoying. Kevin can be very annoying and given his recent trend in movie making, he may be making himself unnecessary as well (ouch). Time for a makeover and a career overhaul, Kevin. Or, just stay the way you are but switch to show tunes.

Kevin Smith has terrible taste in clothes

Keven Smith goes Prêt-à-porter. Old Navy Clearance Rack + Fannz XXXL = Here Comes the Hotstepper.

Rob Liefeld

Rob Liefeld

“Jack Kirby, Al Williamson, Alex Ross, Geoff Darrow, etc., etc. They ain’t got nothin’ on me.

Why he is a big ass: Well, along with the next dude on the list and a team of evil flying monkeys, he virtually destroyed the ground-breaking improvements in story-telling, character development, and artwork that had transpired the decade before. His work is bloated and indulgent. It is also lazy (and given how lazy we are, that sort of criticism is a a big punch in the nads). We do feel bad that we’ve picked on him so much. Seriously. Unlike the Kims of North Korea or al-Assads of Syria, Rob doesn’t torture people physically (although perhaps psychologically). So that’s why he’s an ass instead of a shit. And, Rob draws asses and tits too. Lots of them. But most are not images of women, at least from what we’ve observed.

Rob Liefeld artwork

Frank Miller

Frank Miller goes Orthodox

Just in! Frank Millers converts to Judaism (although no one will take credit for the circumcision)  and begins writing an epic graphic novel of biblical proportions titled: “Torah! Torah! Torah!” It’s sure to offend everyone.

Why he is a big ass: OK, for much of our comic book hobbying experience, we’ve viewed Frank Miller as a bombastic and arrogant but brilliant creator. But there’s a difference between arrogant and downright mean (you know, kind of like what we’re doing in this post). His rants on the “Occupy Wall Street” movement show how out of touch he is with the American democratic experiment. He is certainly entitled to his opinions, misguided though they are, but referring to the Occupy-tionalists, as “a pack of louts, thieves, and rapists” is out of order. We know every last one of the Occupy Wall Street activists and not one of them is a lout. And that isn’t the worst of Frank’s invectives. Incidentally, Ty Templeton had some pretty sweet retorts (which would have had more punch if he hadn’t been Canadian, damn his eyes). Ty is super-talented, but after taking on Misanthropic Miller, he went up a couple more notches on our flag pole. By the way, the link takes you to a post where Ty uses the word “ass.” Booyah!

We do need to give Frank some props though. In general, we think his storytelling is interesting and his art is innovative. And, he does occasionally draw dames’ assess.Frank Miller comic book characters

Frank Miller

Frank Miller during his Maynard G. Krebs phase. Notice the boyish scowl. We get headaches when we scowl. Frank is superior to us in so many ways.

Robert Crumb

Robert Crum, cartoonist

Nope. You sure aren’t.

Why he is a big ass: Good ol’ R. draws girls with big asses. But he’s also a Grade A Prime Ass himself. His comics are misogynistic. And yet, he’s still a darling of the feminist and lesbian community. Go figure. Gloria Steinem had an affair with him in the early 1980s and Ellen Degeneres stated that if she were straight, R. Crumb would be her man. And apparently he has James Woods-like wood. Seriously, go look it up. But this isn’t a post about dicks. That’s coming at some later date. Maybe in conjunction with The Biggest Pussies in Comics. Oh, do go on now! It’s not what you think, though. We’ll be focusing on Fritz the Cat. Who, hold on a second now …

Robert Crump art

… and this is one of his tamer illustrations, believe it or not.

Todd McFarlane

Todd McFarlane trading card

You know, for years we thought Todd was holding a sword until we wrote this post. Oddly, it just doesn’t seem as cool that he’s swinging a bat. And what the hell is the point of the shirtless look? Really? We’re all for nudity, but was this necessary?

Why he is a big ass:  Todd was the comic book industry’s first millionaire playboy. And how did he  spend his money? He bought the 70th home run ball from also-an-ass Mark McGwire’s record chasing (and breaking … bad) season back in 1998. That, instead of getting storytelling help from Peter David. That, instead of a mass apology to the entire comic book industry for single-handedly destroying Mary Jane Watson (OK, OK, double-handedly because David Micheline deserves to be derided as well).

Mary Jane Watson, Marvel Comics Character

Pink cowboy hat. Check. Curly tressels. Check. Odd-shaped face. Check. High Waisted Mom Jeans. Check. You’ve got a McFarlane!

Mary Jane Watson kisses Peter Parker

Long straight dark red hair. Check. Chopped bangs. Check. Smarty pants comments even during a romantic interlude. Check. You’ve got a worthy Mary Jane Watson!

Superman by Todd McFarlane

Look! It’s a two-fer. Todd McFarlane AND Superman. By the way, both of you, if you have to fly holding on to your cape so it doesn’t flap around, consider NOT wearing the cape. You’re a mincing Nancy boy, Superman.

Anyway, of all the reasons Todd McFarlane is an ass, this is the biggest one of all.

Comic Book Cover Variants

Yes, it’s possible the decision was made by others to create all the variants, but we doubt it. We’re blaming Todd for starting the hobby-shattering practice of releasing a bajillion variant cover comics and a whole bunch of “#1” and “Special Issue” comics. Bad, Todd. Bad. Bad.

And there you have it. The biggest asses in comic books. What now? Whatcha sayin’? We forgot the biggest ass of them all? OK, fair’s fair. We proudly accept your derision. Your disdain sustains us.

Comics A-Go-Go, irresponsible blogging at its best

Comics A-Go-Go! Asses ahoy!

The ever reclusive, simply elusive, always exclusive Lynn Varley

The Dark Knight Returns (Frank Miller)As I’ve mentioned before, one of the very first comic books I purchased was The Dark Knight Returns.  I hadn’t really paid attention much to comics when I was younger, maybe reading some friends’ Hot Stuff, Archie, war, and superhero comics here and there, so TDKR was a big surprise. The format alone (book-bound, vibrant art, mature storytelling, mini-series) was unusual and captivating to me. But, with only four books in the series to dive into, I wanted more so I chased down other works by the creative team: Frank Miller, Klaus Janson, and Lynn Varley. A comic book store clerk suggested Ronin, which Miller and Varley had done (sans Janson) a few years earlier. Although published by DC, Ronin was a creator-driven project that had no connection to the DC universe. It’s a sci-fi/fantasy story with eastern themes. Trippy and complex psychologically. Worth recommending.

Ronin, DC Comics

Anyway, one of the primary reasons I fell in love with The Dark Knight Returns and Ronin was the richness of the colors throughout the books. The reds (I love red) were so vivid. I’m sure a lot of it had to do with improvements to printing technology, but the colorist, Lynn Varley, clearly had supreme talent.

The Dark Knight Returns

So, I asked around to see what else he or she (Lynn could be either, right?) had done. Nobody knew nothin’. I found a couple of Lone Wolf and Cub books (which weren’t really interesting to me) with his or her name on it, but that was pretty much it.

Ronin, DC mini-series

Sure. Why not for a change?

Then, along came the World Wide Web. Eventually, I got around to searching for “Lynn Varley” but found practically nothing, again.  What little I did glean was that she was a she and that she was the wife of Frank Miller. I found a couple of additional credits, but for the most part I had no idea who this color magician was.

The Dark Knight Returns

Lynn scored the slang used by Carrie in the Dark Knight Returns. She left a unique imprint on the dialogue just as Anthony Burgess did in A Clockwork Orange.

Anyway, now it’s 2013 and one would think that anything and everything that there is to say about anything and everything would be easily accessible through Google. Think again. Go try to find some details about Lynn Varley. Other than discovering that she and Frank divorced in 2005, and that she colored some additional stuff for Frank (300, The Dark Knight Strikes Again, details about her are very difficult to nail down.

Superman from The Dark Knight Returns

C’mon, look at those colors! Once you get past Clark’s massive man mammaries, you will notice the details like the vibrancy of the butterflies’ wings and blue sky.

And it gets worse. In my search for more details about Lynn, I realized I hadn’t seen any photographs of her. I put up a valiant effort (well, that’s questionable because I have a very short attention span and I am famously lazy) and still came up blank.  Then, a couple of days ago I was reading up on the next Sin City movie and saw Happy Frank vamping around some red carpet with a dame dangling off his arm. The picture descriptions noted that the dame was Lynn Varley. Here is one of those pictures, along with my patented idiotic vandalism.

Kimberly Halliburton Cox and Frank Miller

Trouble is, that’s not Lynn Varley. It’s Kimberly Halliburton Cox, a Shakespeare scholar, and purportedly a hairless, pasty chimp.* Kim has been with Frank since they stumbled into each other at ShopRite Liquors in Hoboken in 2007. Their torrid affair has included several indictments for domestic abuse, rabble-rousing, public nuisances involving alcohol, and a bunch of other minor crimes I don’t want to bother making up. Kim had a turn at acting as a minor character in the unfortunate rendition of Will Eisner’s The Spirit. Just sayin’. Not sure what, but … I’m just sayin’.

Kimberly Halliburton Cox

This is NOT Lynn Varley, dammit.

* So, the story goes that Kimberly Halliburton Cox apparently didn’t much care for one of her boyfriend’s employees. She went ape-shit (really; that’s the reason for the chimp reference) and spread her feces across the desk of the maligned employee. Now, now. There are always two (or more) sides to a story. Of course there is the possibility that the former employee, Joanna Gallardo-Mills, may have committed horrible acts of her own. But we don’t know that. And she’s not the one being sued. And … seriously? Who strips off their underwear and puts it along with a used tampon in an employee’s work space? And, is the act of throwing telephones at people ever a good idea in the work place? This kind of craziness reminds me of another loony comic book matron, Nancy Silberkleit. Anyway, read more on this bizarre story.

Be aware that, although rare, the Internet is occasionally wrong. Maybe there’s another side to this story we’re not hearing. Maybe Perez Hilton did something on it. Maybe some day I’ll care enough to go look again.

Lynn Varley, Kimberly Halliburton Cox

Anyway, long story shorter, I rolled up my sleeves and found a few obscure pictures of this very difficult to locate woman. Lynn, if you catch wind of this post and aren’t too camera-shy to do so, please (1) post some additional pictures of yourself preferably in the act of coloring stuff, and (2) give us some more opportunities to enjoy your work (preferably not with Frank – we’re pissed off at him at the moment due to his insane banter about the Occupy Wall Street movement).

Lynn Varley, comic book colorist

This is the real Lynn Varley. The photo is obscured and she is seen in profile only. Press on. You’ll notice a disturbing trend.
As for Frank, he has a always considered himself some sort of Comic Book Deity. Here’s Frank during his “I’m bigger than Jesus” phase.

Frank Miller

This legionnaire from Asterix reminded me of Frank Miller. Did you know that Frank co-wrote the screenplay for Robocop 2? Did you know he had a minor part in it as a scientist. His character gets killed off unceremoniously by the bad guy.

Lynn Varley

Lynn Varley. Again, blurred picture and this time her face is slightly obscured by a water bottle.

Frank Miller at a signing party

Lynn Varley. And again, only partially viewable face.
Incidentally, Frank’s surly stare is due to an eye condition called Stinkeyesitus.

Lynn VarleyOh, c’mon! What? Is Lynn akin to Bigfoot? The Loch Ness Monster? Was she going for the whole Shroud of Turin look in the picture to the left? We’re seriously beginning to wonder if Lynn is in the Witness Protection Program. Wikipedia has nothing more than a stub on Lynn and … surprise, surprise … no picture.  C’mon Wikipedia! I paid my $5 donation, dammit!

Lynn Varley

Oh, for goodness sake. Finally! This may not be a current picture, but at least we have an unobstructed view of Lynn Varley. And, Frank Miller’s ubiquitous brooding face. And the other guy. Sorry folks, we don’t have source information or the ID for the other member of this triumvirate. Feel free to comment and update our information.

Here’s a comprehensive (we can only suppose) list of credits for Lynn.